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Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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| Subject: | Yerr |
| Time: | 12:43 am. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. | | Music: | The Panic - Strata. |
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Yesterday I received something in the mail and it plunged me into an immense feeling of warmth... and then a sense of liberation. I had done it. I had overcome my insecurity of self and simply allowed what I had thought to be distant to become close... tangible. I am thankful for that. While I'm still not fully at the stage where I can accept anything thrown my way in display of my new found openness, I can better come to grips with the effects that people can have on one another. It was a powerful moment for me. It was unexpected, yet as comforting as though it were gently placed in front of me. I state the obvious. It is this ability to recognize that, a natural... a true reality, that is opening itself to me. The fear of discovery is being replaced by the innate curiosity that is within us all. A social period, an era to be there, is certainly blossoming. Thanks, Steph. But I have taken a liking for my eyes, ;).
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Thursday, December 21st, 2006
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| Subject: | yer |
| Time: | 7:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  indescribable. | | Music: | More Human Than Human - White Zombie. |
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It's been a while since I wrote this thing and let me tell you... it was somewhat confusing. It's really changed since I've last been here. It was an interesting experience trying to add a friend on this thing - but I'll tell you, it was worth it. I suppose it's also symbolic of how, through effort, I can reach somebody - this journal can be used as a medium for improving my ability to better express myself.
Yesterday Jorge and I were playing in a Call of Duty 2 game and there were these two Germans in there. While you could barely understand what they were saying you realized you felt a connection simply by the tone of their conversation, you saw the power of communication; while they could not understand us either... the four of us played that game and understood one another through just a common feeling, a common joy: gaming. I feel this journal could provide the very same feeling.
I find thinking of a way to express your emotion is not conducive at all towards actually expressing it accurately. When you think, you automatically apply all of these filters to your emotion, you cloud it... you sieve only what you think will be acceptable and that hinders the production of meaningful statements, proclamations. As you flow forward with a true feeling... comfort will override it all and you begin to unleash what you've held tied down; afraid to express for some reason or another - and within that, you reach a state of freedom. With freedom comes the ability to better be yourself openly, unafraid of what the reactions are... you reach into yourself and find that you can easily give out what is on the inside... a bit like squeezing a twinkie. A release that will better connect you to your peers - to humanity in general cannot be seen as a mistake. It is not a vulnerability of self that stops a person from showing themselves, but rather a sense of weakness within one's-self all on its own. The cure is stopped by the disease.
I have realized from recent experiences that you find yourself feeling a lot more open when you have begun to be yourself; in essence, you take off the lies, you show what you believe of something --- you don't hold back at all. I've noticed I am enjoying the company of people more often now than I did in the past. My feelings of antipathy are becoming replaced by feelings of genuine compassion - I also notice that this isn't making me "softer," just more receptive. Social grace achieved through a breakthrough of what you held to be standard is a beautiful feeling. It's a gradual process, one that cannot be rushed. It is a tree growing, a tree from which the leaves of empathy will fall - sturdy by that which you have discovered, and ever growing. As a tree, you must nurture this through exhibition. It is through confidence of self that true social peace can be achieved.
The ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missile). A weapon designed to deliver warheads, namely nuclear payloads, to a target many thousands of miles away. With what passion has mankind designed such weapons? Can one say that the creation of such missiles - the nuclear versions of which - took place even after the bombing of Japan is a folly of mankind? I do not think so. These devices have been used to propel objects into space; one can say that the nuclear-capability could be removed - and yes, it could be. However... the technology put behind the capability to perform such a feat could very well save our planet from certain destruction. It is not that these devices are so terrible, it is that mankind's simplistic desire to dominate others, to out-do others, can transform the power of nature, of the atom, into a weapon. But at the very same time much good can come out of the continued research of this field! Even in the race to build the most powerful bomb, the Soviets limited the blast of their bomb, Tsar Bomba, because the radiation would've been too much - in even the quest to out perform your enemy consideration for others is taken by those of a rational mindset. The very nature of the I say research of any kind; of any force seen as destructive - should continue. Why should we limit our knowledge simply because of madmen? Do away with such people; give power to understanding and through understand will come power - now... that's deep.
While the ICBM - and the creation of larger ones, and of miniaturized, but even more powerful nukes (collectively) - was seen as a weapon, it was also a major deterrent. With the ability to cause the death of millions with the usage of just one of these missiles, mankind's inability to stomach this kind of power led to the policy of M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction) - one must ask... when we primed and aimed those Minuteman at Russia and they at us - were we just holding a gun to our head? Tumultuous as it is, a sense of peace came through - uneasy peace, but a necessary step in the right direction to understand power and the responsibility... and acknowledgment of how we can never truly wield it.
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Monday, November 13th, 2006
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Saturday, August 26th, 2006
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Monday, August 14th, 2006
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I have decided to delete all of my previous entries. I am going to redo that survey (looking at the results, I honestly don't remember placing them). On second thought, I deleted that survey; I'll take the one on Jorge's LJ instead. I will update this once I have deleted them all. I thought about simply changing the dates... I decided to just totally get rid of them. I see I've been deleted from Xfire.
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Monday, October 17th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:27 am. |
| Mood: | amused. | | Music: | Let Your Nuts Hang - Chamillionire. |
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Saturday, October 15th, 2005
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Yeah, today was somewhat interesting; different, I can say that. I'd rather not explain; defeats the purpose of posting this, doesn't it? Oh well, a pity. Damn!
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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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| Subject: | Yep. |
| Time: | 5:34 am. |
| Mood: | indifferent. | | Music: | Nonpoint - The Truth. |
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Well, Huygens landed without any problems, albeit a failed commucation line to Cassini at one point losing a few hundred pictures. I'm doing all right -- been playing quite a bit...that's pretty cool, I guess. Talked with somebody today -- that was enlightening...and cool.
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Friday, January 17th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:05 am. |
| Mood: |  apathetic. | | Music: | Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre/ Feat. Eminem. |
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Nothing new today -- just thought I'd post the results of some 'test' - here:
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
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electii's journal
tired.